I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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