I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
