Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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