when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
