you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
