a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
