i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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