I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boobs speak an international language.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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