The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
