So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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