Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just want to make out with him forever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
