We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
