dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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