It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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