Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
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Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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