Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
