do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
