shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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