Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
