I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
