if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
