Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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