I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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