oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize