Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and she was petting her beer can
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
