I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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