Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
