We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
