I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
