He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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