I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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