Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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