omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
