I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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