fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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