I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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