I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
