Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
