I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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