i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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