So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
