May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
