you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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