He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
