don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The air was thick with penises
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
