2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
