I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm just crazy horny about you
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
