Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sext me about skeletons
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
