Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
