Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
is wine microwaveable?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
