hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Randomize
