There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
