She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
