We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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