paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
