the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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