I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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