I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
